We are all members of several families in our lives: the one we were born and the one (s) that are created. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires - a whole emotional baggage - from the former to the other. narcissist is no exception.
narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealized and over-valued) or do not fulfill this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). narcissist gets all the love he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention - in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions
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It does not require - nor does he seek - his parents or his siblings' love or be loved by their children. He throws them like the audience in the theater of his inflated grandiosity. He wants to impress them, shock them , threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them.
He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars - their very self is a false one). It acts pitiful, or its opposite, resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual and physical abilities and achievements, or behavior patterns appreciated by the family members. When confronted with (younger) siblings or with their children, the narcissist is likely to pass through three stages:
At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention of his spouse, or mother, as is the case May be. They intrude on his land and invade the Pathological Narcissistic Space. narcissist does his best to belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate them, and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. period of emotional absence and detachment follows.
His aggression is not able to extract Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist continues to indulge in daydreaming, delusions about the size, the planning of future shock, nostalgia and hurt (Lost Paradise Syndrome). narcissist reacts this way to the birth of their children or the introduction of new foci of attention on the family cell (even a new pet !).
Whoever the narcissist realizes that the competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply relegated to the role of the enemy. Where an uninhibited expression of aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible - the narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately turns off, separating himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his wife or his parents (more "legitimate" targets ).
Other narcissists see the opportunity to "failure". They are trying to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by "taking over" the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolize their brothers and sisters or their newborns. In this way, indirectly, they benefit from the attention directed at children. sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic Supply and proxies for the narcissist.
example: carefully identify with their descendants, narcissistic father provides grateful admiration of the mother ("What an outstanding father / brother he is"). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby's / sister's achievements. It is a process of annexation and assimilation of others, a strategy that the narcissist is used in most of his relationships.
as brothers or progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and convenient source of Narcissistic supply. His attitude is, therefore, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cherishes those who believe that the most rewarding. He encourages them to worship him, to worship him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn a blind trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become immersed in its stupidity-de-grandeur.
It was at this stage that the risk of child abuse - up to and including outright incest - is increased. narcissist is auto-erotic. It is rather the object of their sexual attractiveness. His siblings and his children share his genetic material. Abuse or sexual intercourse with them is as close as the narcissist gets sex with himself.
Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of the merger. partner is "assimilated" and becomes an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, for the narcissist, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of others. He actually masturbates with other people's bodies.
Minors pose little danger of criticizing the narcissist or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant sources of Narcissistic supply. narcissist derives from the need to meet the coital relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent "bodies ".
These roles - allocated to them explicitly and implicitly or demandingly and the narcissist perniciously - best to meet those whose mind is not yet fully formed and independent. older brothers or offspring, the more they become critical, even condemn, and narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves.
as they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in a game of chess. They have grudges against him for what he has done for them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can assess his true stature, talents and accomplishments -. that, usually, lag far behind the claims that he does
This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he realizes his siblings or sons / daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarcity of their time.
He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon its obligations to the people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why that support them, or suffer their company and are believed to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.
He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or intentionally sabotaging relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly - to justify their actions in order to - he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues
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To his mind, family members of a conspiracy against him, seek to diminish or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that has created disintegrates to his great regret (the loss of Narcissistic Space) - but also his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he ?).
This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by the arrival of new family members - he tries to assimilate or add siblings or offspring - he gets Narcissistic Supply from them - he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources - as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behavior - the narcissist devalues them - the narcissist feels stifled and trapped - the narcissist becomes paranoid - the narcissist rebels and the family falls apart
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This cycle is characterized not only the family life of the narcissist. Can be found in other areas of life (career, for example). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows he is not.) Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends that "nurtures and cultivates" in order to obtain Narcissistic energy from them. He overvalues them (him, they are the brightest, most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives ).
But after some anti-narcissistic behavior on their part (a critical remark, disagreement, refusal, however polite) - the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that you have dared oppose him - they are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking ambition, ability and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist dictionary), with unspectacular career ahead of them
narcissist believes that misallocating their scarce resources and of inestimable value (for example, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious self-defeating and self-destructive behavior, which led to the disintegration of his life.
sentenced to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his "death wish". What distinguishes it from other kinds of suicide that his wish has been granted in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.